Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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