seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
