I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
