Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
