The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
