Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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