I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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