This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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