my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
