Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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