I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
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Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
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Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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