you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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