when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
