Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm gonna fight the coyote
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
