life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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