He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
