I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
