i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
