Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
