so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
