How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize