she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
