my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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