My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
