yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
