just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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