Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
