I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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