I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
