We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
did you just send me my own nude
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
