Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
