I think I won the penis lottery.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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