apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
