Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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