my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
