Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
