oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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