The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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