Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
