I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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