As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
