Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
