No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
