I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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