all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
