morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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