He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
