I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
