In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
