dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
