i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
