Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There are leaves in my underwear?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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