you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize