I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
